Jump

I don't want you to get caught up in my mistakes. See, I feel like I'm about to jump off a cliff, and there's fog ahead of me, and I know how risky this is, 'cause I don't know what I'm jumping towards exactly. But I don't wanna stay waiting on that edge, because I'm bored of it! I'm so ready to just jump... and I'm waiting for myself to go... but I stay rooted in where I am nonetheless. And now this metaphor has gone beyond my control 'cause I have too many things on my mind to keep track of who is the cliff and who is the fog and why i can't jump.

I have to admit that before there is safety there is always the risk, but why am I so reluctant to take it now? Every time we speak I know this is what I want to be jumping to, but I can only hope that it's right. I've waited for the sake of morality, I've taken it slowly for the sake of evaluation. Now I have to see that the right thing for me would be to start learning how to drown again, rather than let the lake dry up.

Mistakes

Most people will admit to making mistakes in time. It can be what's blamed for the misfortune that comes to you - it's because you made some mistake in your past. Generally, these mistakes mean you did something that you thought was a good idea at the time, but turn out to be things that hurt you, someone else, or just the situation in general. No one would make mistakes if they were able to recognize them at the moment. Mistakes tend to be seen in the past, after you've already seen the damage, and then connect the misfortune to a prior action. The thing is, every action you make, doesn't have just one reflective reaction. One action can cause multiple overlapping reactions for months or years to come. And out of those multiple reactions, there can be the positive and negative ones. Sometimes the positive ones, do more than just cancel out a negative one before it. Mistakes that cause sadness one day, cause more happiness than would have been possible before you made that mistake. So how much of a mistake is it then? Actions that cause damage, but then benefit you as well. Being able to tell what was a mistake and what was actually better in the long run, I think is impossible up until the day your life is over. It depends on the final result which we'll never be able to evaluate.

Repeated

I was just trying to write how I felt in my journal, in normal paragraph form. Then this slipped out. (this is from a few weeks ago)

_________________________________________________

And why does my life feel like the same thing

Repeated year to year

The only thing changing is the characters

But the lessons are the same

Cause I have the same feelings

And I never learn.

I look back at old journals

That tell of a time

So long before ours

Before simplicity was devoured

And while the setting was so vastly different -

Essentially

It was the same.

So what am I doing here but walking in circles

Scratching with pencils and searching for words

To find a phrase and complete a poem

So I can turn the page

Think about -

And go on.

Numb

The feeling is numb. The feeling where feeling is lost. Having so many thoughts waiting to be processed, but having the inability to do such is drowning. And I can't breathe because I don't want to hurt. How backwards would it be to say I was happier before? This severely disrupted the healing process, and I swore I wouldn't regret it. Now I am sitting, waiting for the air to come through my lungs, for the smile to come to my face and for the goosebumps to come when I realize that it's time to make the decision. Who knew that saying what was in your head could be so difficult? Especially when what is in your mind is contradictory to what it's supposed to be. To tell the truth, I'm being harshly contemplative and on the edge of disorder because... because I'm afraid. I hate putting part of me outside of myself - it's too dangerous. While I know what's coming, I don't want to wait for it. I don't even have to. Because they are already living, they were living hours ago when they were being born in the darkness. But what is It? It is mistakes, It is disappointment, It is knowledge, It is silence, acceptance, It is... It is embracing the end. It is wanting a cleaner definition so that this messy scar doesn't have to sit all night. If nothing went wrong, then why do I feel so sick already? I can feel it in my bones, and last time I felt it, I was right. I. was. dead. right. But as always, I will go to sleep tonight, and wake up tomorrow morning and truth will not have escaped my grasp. There is nothing worse than waking up in the morning feeling like the day has already been ruined, I promise you. Have a good one.

Teenagers

You know how you're bored of reading about love, hate, and regret? Well I'm sick of writing it. We are all a bunch of infants right now, because we're teenagers, and if by some strange event your are not a teenager reading this, you will probably agree with this. But nothing we do right now, (as teens) actually accounts for anything. We're all about 3 years old right now, wandering around playing pretend with our oh-so-dramatic lives. Big deal. Do you think anyone will care in about eight years? Or like it will really matter? Or that concepts like goals, commitment, love and polynomials, are something that people OUR age, could ever really understand? Of course not!
The flaw in this form of thought, is that if you go about life, convinced that none of it counts until you turn eighteen, how will you learn to cope? How will you be motivated to live another day? And when our infant minds are stressed by the infant situations of our daily lives, it doesn't quite help to say "oh, by the time you're twenty, this won't matter". Because until then, what exactly are you supposed to do? You can't just wait it out, let yourself get beat up, while saying "it won't matter in a few years". So for why, do we even bother with the idea of "childhood is practice for life"? It is a tool to use now and then, to put the complications of growing up, into better perspective. So that we don't let it get to our heads too much. But by all means, take youth seriously because how else will you learn to take adulthood seriously?

2010

I realized, looking at my blog archive, that I had nothing under 2010, because I had not yet posted in this new year. So here it is. I feel like I've been living the idea of 2010 for so long, yet writing it feels overtly like I'm writing in the future, moreso than any other year. Maybe it's because I've been looking forward to this year, because I graduate this year. I've given it great importance for the last four, so now that it's finally here, it has it's own persona. In a way. It's also a new decade, which really makes me feel old. Because now, I pretty much have a whole decade of memories, since most of my complete memories begin circa age three. And on New Years Day, there were many memories haunting me. But I said, they don't count anymore, because now it's a new year - which is a load of bull, but it certainly makes you feel better. And if I ever need to push those things out of my head, may they be embarssing moments, or mistakes, or unfulfilled goals or wishes, or lack of insight or simply not seeing something coming. Now, I can just think, that they are part of a whole different year, and a whole different decade, and they don't need to touch me, or the life I intend to live. Happy New Year.

Smile

A smile is your one defense between YOU and THEM. When the world is crashing down, a deep breath and a smile is gonna save you. And nothing else! Hiding makes you disappear, denial makes you stupid, crying makes you look like crap, and then you have the issue of how to stop. Talking may land you saying stuff you really wish you hadn't said, and sitting not doing anything at all is never going to work either.
But I never realized how equally difficult it is to smile through a dead feeling inside. I never realized how much energy and self-pursuasion it takes, to make yourself care about things you don't and say things you wouldn't say, and to artificially pick yourself up, put yourself back on your feet, until you're ready to walk again. Those moments of wandering around, like you've just been born... I WAS just born and I'm ready to deal with the consequences. Breathe deep flower. And smile. Because if you can, then you've created the barrier between... THEM and YOU. A barrier you can see through, but none of them can. Smile. Smile. Smile. It hurts, no? Just smile.

Different

You're different. You are not the same person you were... you've lost yourself. How can I track my own progression into airheadeness, if I am me? They say, no, you're still you, you're just different. You've been gone for a while hon, and we're just waiting for you to come back. But how can you say that? How can you tell me that I have departed, entirely from the world, that I'm running around being someone I'm not? I can't tell you who I am, where the old me went, or when or why. But I look in the mirror, and I must agree. That person is not me. Just because I figured out that this is a new world and I am evolving like a weakling to it... but I can't do much about it. I can try and touch worlds with what it was like before... but I can't remember. All I know is that there was a longing, and now it's gone. What did I talk about? Who was I? I'm a stranger in my own life, dropped into a world and now you're all telling me how to play my character.
The music reminds me of a time beforehand, reminds me of a past life, and i listen with every bit of my soul, reaching out to grasp moments that made up who I was. Lost thoughts. The days were together and alone, sweet and dreamlike, thirteen was a land so far ahead and magical, like the beginning of my life. When I said my life had restarted, I was being symbolic. Or not. I don't want to lose who I was, nor do I want to drop out of the new world I've discovered. Is there a compromise? And can I find myself, those fragments of my own existance everyone insists are there? Please, just stop looking at me like I know what I've done and I could fix it willingly. Because I may try, and think I'm pulling it off, yet you say, I'm still different, not who I was. So what am I to do?

Learning

We, as human beings consider ourselves of the living species and therefore find it is our right to experience and explore reality and abnormality as it is found. We find that every breath is another breath learned and there is no such thing as coincidence or pointlessness. If there was no point to something, why would it happen? It happens, because you have learned something. Every single thing happens so you may remember it for future use. That is, hoping that you remember it. At some point, we all have a moment where we disregard everything, and perhaps we will do something unadvised and new. Sometimes, we call this action stupidity. But this could be, at a later date, realized to be a great discovery that it was necessary to disregard all other knowledge in order to go as far as that stupid moment. Don't you learn a lot for moments like that? To never go there or do that again? This is learning. By reading my blog you have learned. Even if you disagree. You have learned that some people such as myself think this.

Valentines

Is young love really as crackpot as we are taught to make it out to be? Or isn't that what we tell the broken hearts on valentine's day and it spread around...

Young love... as in none of us have a diploma in anything? At our age it is said that we shouldn't waste our youth and our time and etc on meaningless relationships that will just end in nothing but disappointment. I strongly disagree with that statement and am now firmly convinced that notion was created specifically for comforting broken 13 year old hearts.

Young love is like everything else in life is a lesson for future use. Why do we go to math? Well... thats not a good example.... why do we learn how to read? Because we use it in later life. Why do lion cubs fight with each other? To practice fighting for the real world. Which is how I look at little relationships that go nowhere and die early. Practice. I bet those lion cubs have a hell of a lot of fun rolling on top of each other! So why is it so awful and stupid we have little love experiments? It prepares us for the world. Obviously fighting your little brother isn't the same as fighting the animal about to eat you... but you get the idea.

Therefore, I deem teenage love-experiments acceptable, understandable and enjoyable.

Happy Valentines Day.