And

When I was in first grade, my teacher told us to never use the word "and" to begin a sentence. It was bad grammar. Microsoft Word told me this once, too. So when I'm typing for school, or on my blog (because this is the last place I write properly) I try to do it the right way - not start my sentences with "and". But you might have noticed, that I do end up starting my sentences that way, because half way through the post, I get frustrated, having took too long to get my idea out, because I'm trying to do it right. I try to eliminate the "and", or make it into one big sentence, but no matter what, it ends up sounding very wrong. And I think it's unfair! How can you say it's not allowed when it sounds so annoyingly good, and strings phrases together? Of course to compromise, there is the semi-colon but who ever figures out how to use that correctly, and there we have more issues with being grammatically correct. What's so horrific if I start these sentences with "and"? It's a beautiful, helpful word.

Stop

Where did these days go

Lives lost

To pride

And the unknown.

Power wasted

Choices made

Never taken back

Wisdom that I lack.

Words that I reuse

Ad nausium

So you can tell

These are my favorite words

But I don't use them very well

I just sit right here

Every night

And I write

Or I try

To create

Some dispension of hate

So that I don't walk in tomorrow

Ready to scratch someone's eyes out

And so I don't cry on the train

When there's nothing to cry about

And though I'm still stupid

I just don't wanna lose it

When I'm on my way to math

Please no premature ruin

There's no telling when this stops

It stops when my fingers

Stop punching out words

That explain my state of mind

And when the meaning just becomes

Searching for rhymes

I can stop myself there

And stop wasting my time

Stop this, stop that

Stop because I can't go

Go where

There's no place

But your face

That I know

Times feeling upside down again

But I feel tied in

Running into walls

Like an animal pen

And I'm just pacing up and down Columbus Circle

Looking out the glass

At the whole wide world

I wanna stop pacing

Because there's nowhere to go

But if I'm not going anywhere

Then I can't get hurt.

Satisfaction

I do not function well under happiness. I think I've mentioned this before in some other post, but I guess I'm going to reitterate: when I'm happy, my productivity level sinks. Some people, I've heard, are more capable to commit to things, and be creative, when they're happy. My problem is, when I'm happy, I'm too distracted to be creative. When I'm happy, the sun is too bright in my eyes, my heart is too light my head is flying, and I can't actually focus on creation. For some reason, when I am left dissatisfied with ANYTHING, it becomes a drive for me to write, or drum, or just to work. There suddenly seems to be more inspirtation, and a deeper view on the world - which sounds like bullcrap to me when I say it, but it's true. I'm not one of those people who will purposely throw themselves into a depression "for the sake of their art", but I will admit to being frustrated when I'm having a really great time of it, then I sit down to write, and I just can't. It doesn't come out. I guess writing solves my problems, and creates little safety places for me to be comforted or for me to work them out. When I have no probelems to work out, when life is satisfying, the creativity slows down. Still, it makes more sense to me, that being sad/dissatisfied would be too much of a downer or distraction.

Hey

Hey. Wats up. Nothing much, just contemplating every word I hear. Yeah. That's cool. I hear you are constantly confused. That's right. It sucks. Be right back. I'm back, lets talk. About what? Anything. Who are you mad at? You. As usual. Not true! So true. At who? Either one of you; the world. You make no sense. That's okay. Okay? It's great. You realize this is a dream anyway? I get it! Me too! Congrats. Ditto. 8:37pm.

FICTION.

Writing

Due to the twenty-first century, the ballet world and more, I never have time to sit down and write. Even now, I'm making this entry while running around doing things, doing the dishes, making my bed...

But I still end up writing in my head. While there is never time for me to sit comfortably at a computer or with a notebook and write, there is always time when  I am somewhere away from home, unable to write, but still wasting time. First: math. Math class is a HUGE waste of time, so I do some mental writing in there. Sometimes I put down some ideas, others are formulated in my head. Like in rehearsal. Another time when I could be doing about a billion more useful things. So I make my story outlines then. From character to character moving along in the story, so I have an idea of what the story is going to be like. On the subway, instead of staring out into space at Dr. Zizmore's rainbow ads, I contemplate the conflict of the story, and maybe start writing the actual text in my head. Then, once I have a bit of that that I like, I repeat it and reformat it, until I have the writing memorized. I do this when falling asleep as well. By writing in my head as I fall asleep, I am helping myself fall asleep faster by making my brain tired from formulating characters, plots and dialogue. I am also using time to my advantage. And now, I must go shower.