Year

A year ago yesterday, my friends had just convinced me to make a blog. So, being bored around 11pm, I decided to go through the process of putting one together, and saying whatever I thought, and whatever I thought should be put up on a blog. And thus, I have been doing this for the past year. Whether I'm absolutely convinced I've discovered the key to the universe, or if I'm heartbroken for some ridiculous reason, I blogged about it. Sometimes I made sense, sometimes I didn't. And most of the time I didn't so I thank you for your patience. But wait! Why am I talking in the past tense? Who ever said this was over? No, this little online digital blip of existance that I call my own, has become a wonderful part of my life. It's my favorite way to express myself or to share some of my writing. So, this is not the end. It's just a reflection on the past year.

So Mountain Spirit/Flower, why are you writing this now if your anniversary was yesterday? Well, I had been looking forward for this day for months, and then, I forgot to write a special post. Why? How? I was an overwhelmed teenager, who thought she had a bigger issue going on than she probably actually had. Of course! 'Cause it's me after all. Happy Birthday Songs of a Petrified Flower.

November

There are wet leaves sticking to the ground, and trying to kick them would be pointless. Fortunetly, kicking leaves, hoping that one will come along with you, for a foot or two, is a fairly low key pastime. Because, in November, the gray sky has a beauty to it. When time stops and even though the wind is rushing, it gives a certain kind of comfort, like a hug. And wandering under the canopy of clouds is like being safe under a blanket. Somehow thoughts never stop running, and even the murky waters of a gutter puddle, crowned by brown foliage, reflects the tiger striped sky in a way that seems like a miracle.

When you step out onto a clear block of concrete, there is a certain amount of truth that is not necissarily depressing, but real. Fog is clarity to me when there is no other way to look around. Just keep going down the street, and go towards that green light, because that green light is the only thing you've got left, and even when it turns red, take the risk. So why is November so wonderful? Because my head is spinning and I can't think about anything in the right way and the only way that I can soothe my remorse is to not lash out. Kick November leaves instead.

Energy

Theres this music in my ears, and I don't know why it's here I've never heard it before and I don't think anymore. Funny how one little word can manage to get a trillion trapped. There was this little ball of energy bouncing around, it was released and a new one grew. Still, I don't know what to do. It seems the only way to release it is words of honesty. But honesty can cause a world of trouble. Maybe converting energy is good for the enviroment... good for me.

Hundred

I feel like my heart has left me and it's never coming back. This scary darkness like the closing of a book came towards me starting as a dot from the distance, spreading like ink on a page, until everything was black as if I were blind. THen this ghost, of no particular figure or shape, but with a white-sliver hue. This ghost lunged at me, and I was so frightened. I was flying, lost, crying, clinging to every cryptic word that came next, until slowly the white ghost became a solid, and formed white walls, and I was within them. This room proved to be suspended my a chain that went up in space indefinetly. And my four walls began to swing, which held the feeling of fear and that I was still moving, still, without solidity in that space. Yet, the box, gave me this little bit of safety that kept me together. And then life restarted.

This is my 100th blog post (thus the title). WHOO! One hundred rants that I've put up on the internet and that people have actually read! I feel so accomplished.

Reflection

In my darkest moment

Could have done better.

To make me feel safer-

What they all tell me

Know its not true.

Don’t make me feel safer.

Could have thought longer

Prayed more

Loved more

Deep smudge settles in my heart

Wondering

Asking

What did I ever do wrong?

What did I ever say wrong?

Why am I so lost?

I want to be out with everything

But I’m so afraid

I want to believe

But my inner thoughts drive me otherwise

I find myself unsure

What I know and don’t know

These days

Interpreting every breath

Embracing every smile

Is it my fault?