Myself

Dost thou believe in broken hearts, uncontrollable wonder and inescapable fate? Dost thou think that passion is something used wisely and according to plan! Nay! Nay, though thou see it as such! Passion is in of itself the release of emotion once it cannot be constrained, once thought and choice are furthest from thy love. Life breathes only for the passion and the love of thy inner existence. Tears that may fall and wind that may blow are not because it makes sense? Thou dost not see? Thee scream stupidity and all wrath for it make thee feels better of thyself. Hath thou not felt the need, the power of the forces, that pull thou into all wonder that gives you light? Nor been of the knowledge that something must happen, as thou were pulled towards it over and over without fail? Perhaps thou was deaf and blind to the speaking and laughed in my face. Watch thee now and life ever after, watch destiny take its road though thou barricade it as thou may. Fate is a wise one, fate gets through. All broken hearts shall be mended, having found their place. Wonder fulfilled with knowledge, and fate coming through. Do not inquire of me my reasoning for my reasoning is none. Passion is my reasoning. Thou best shut up.

Huh?

I was talking to a family of trees. They were melting and orange. The hairbrush disagreed with them on the subject snow so they started a war. I believe Kutchipatchi was there too. He fought with the trees and Keyboard strongly supported Hairbrush. They lived together in the land of Shelf. Oh, but the warriors! Fighting for Hairbrush and Keyboard were the dust bunnies and gum wrappers. The warriors of Kutchipatchi and the family of orange melting trees were naturally potato bugs and ants. In the end the ants overpowered the gum wrappers, but many a potato bug were lost. Then the ipod told the washing machine to close his mouth.

Kindness

Kindness is something I really wish I thought about a whole lot more. I really wish that I was one of those magical angels that my relatives always seem to be. Always thinking about what is going to help each other, and a little less selfish. Being moral, and I'm not exactly trying to say my cousins and etc. are really that amazing, 'cause they ARE human. But wouldn't it be great if I could actually give a damn about someone else's feelings for more than a minute or two every day. What if almost every action I did was relating to how this could benefit someone ELSE? I mean, that would be great! Especially for me, 'cause I am the most amazingly selfish person on earth. It's so sad. This just hit me this morning, as I was making breakfast for myself. I thought of my little brother, and how I was supposed to take care of him, and how disconnected I was from the feeling of care and love. It then hit me, that perhaps I was supposed to actually be that kind of person, and I was totally missing out on something that came naturally to everyone else. So I have renewed my attempt to be a better person.

Solstice

Yes, we celebrated the solstice last night. We all sat together talking about our days, and then talking about what has happened to us in the last year, and what we were thinking of right now. We discussed the fact that it was the longest night of the year, that the sky was dark for the most time out of any other time in the year. That after this turning point, winter would begin, and the process of the days getting longer would begin. We went to our altar where we had candles and incense, and we lit and burned them. We turned out all the lights and sat together and prayed. It was silent, and dark. All you saw was the two little flames on the altar quivering. We passed around the singing bowl, tapped it so you heard a bell, that repeated steadily like a heartbeat. 

When this moment was over, we got up and began to talk. We talked about the elements, fire, water, earth and air, and how they made up everything in life. I began to drum, softly and consistently, I drummed for a long time. Then my father had his turn drumming to fill the air with wonderfulness. We waved the incense around and then took deep, calming breaths. At midnight we all came together and I drummed as long and as fast as I could, keeping the energy rising, and then it fell again and we sat on the floor, looking at the candles, still burning. I prayed to The Earth and Sky and Elements and Stars, and I was sitting on my living room floor, watching the flame...

Today

Today I saw something truly beautiful. Yes, once again in the land of Anti-Nature it snowed. I was in my third period class, when we looked out the window, we saw soft white powder falling from the gray-white sky. Peering over the edge of the window, it was discovered that there was a thin layer of whiteness resting upon the filthy streets. There was much squealing; jumping up and down. In the hallways, boys were screaming at the roof through windows thrown open, and clapping: "It's snowin'!" Half past noon, we ran out into the frigid air that felt so good, and kicked it all around. We scooped it up into our gloves, and packed it into lopsided, sphere-resembling forms, which we had pleasure in throwing at trees and each others' ribs. Our boots and shoes squashed slush, and heels dug into the ice. Crossing the street we waded through puddles consisting of things most would not like to hear described. But we were happy. Upon cars, we carved out with our fingers our own names, love, and peace signs. I greeted a lovely snowman who waved his leaf arm at me. I also constructed a snow form the size of a grapefruit. I loved him. After creating a snow angel, I laid my grapefruit snowball by a tree to face his fate. But it was a beautiful day.

Snow

It never snows in the city. In the parts of the world where there aren't an excess of humans in towers blazing steam everywhere, it actually does, and it falls hard, beautiful and deep. However, I live in the city, and snow is as valuable as in california or florida. Never happens, and when it does, you scream. Thrilling, it is. When you walk outside and you see those flaky things floating in the air. You just stand there for a minute, watching, making sure its snow and not rain. Then you scream and eat it and cherish it to the fullest, because you know the magic will disappear in a few minutes. And then ... oh, when it sticks. That is the treasure day, the day when life seems to have meaning again, and winter seems happy and real, instead of mythical and gray. Walking along the city streets stopping at a parked car to press your glove in and sign. This is what snow is in the city. The thing every child wishes for most passionately from the moment they can point to the sky. It snowed today.

Tech Week

Right now, life is pretty insane. I can't control it. I'm not even at school today because I nearly had a mental break down last night. Because I'm playing fifteen year old parts in my dance school's The Nutcracker (nutty crackers)  and I'm playing  four different roles. It's... stressful. Trying to do my algebra, not fight with my friends, get enough sleep, rehearse, sew costumes, all my Homework besides the dreaded algebra...

This isn't very deep I'm sorry. It's just true. Until this show is over, I'm in this one track mind: dance. Good news though! Show is day after tomorrow. Holy crud. It's the day after tomorrow. But it's gonna be great. I have a notebook, which is my stage journal, that I write in on show days, to record the brilliance of them. Driving to the theater first thing in the morning, hanging out with my 'sisters', doing make up, tech rehearsals, going out during our break to have fun and then the show through the after-show party. Yes, I cherish this notebook, containing the entire day. 

Truth be told, I LOVE tech week. It's just the war that my school and dance have through me. That part gets difficult. So in about 4-5 days, my life should be back to normal. And I'll start talking about more intellectual things than this.

Verse

 I wrote a poem during hall break on Thursday, December 4, 2008. For those of you who know of the current controversy, this has NOTHING to do with that problem. This was just something that suddenly appeared in my head.

Jealousy to die for lies within one's heart

Soaking in the holes of the soul

Settling in for a session of destruction

Poisoning, twisting inside and out

Sucking out happiness where more should be put forth

And killing, ruining, life ended that moment

Sorrow has no expiration date

Feeding off of itself and empty spaces

Empty spaces...

The words once said

"Take it in stride lest you be called jealous,"

One may use as just a moment's long ease

Breath of comfort

Exhaled into the fire

Pray now you may see brighter days

Brighter self to emerge

Freedom from this death

May the spirits grant it to you.

Luna

I once saw a dream crying to the moon because her heart was broken. The dream named Luna flew around the darkness of the light, letting the ends of her soul drip sorrowfully into the minds of those below. Luna flew to and fro until she could no longer breathe between the movement and her sobs. Moon inquired of her dear friend as to who broke her heart. Luna replied no one. But the Moon saw and felt the pain of many a soul who cried their eyes out to her due to heartbreak.  Luna began to rant - more like singing actually. A long, beautiful string of high pitched notes that blended into each other starting slowly, and then quickened in tempo. When she was done, she floated beside Moon. Again, Moon asked who had broken her heart. The Dream Called Luna replied that loneliness had broken her heart.

Humanity

Humanity is BS. Really. I sort of went into this in 'Midnight', but everything about our lives is stupid, false, wrong. So when I go out and tell off things like money, you say, "oh, but money is important, for shelter, food," etc. Our shelters, our cities, suck. So sure, our fucked up money is important for our fucked up housing. But if its all corrupt... you have no money for no real house.

So, money as I previously said, is shiny rocks that have become green paper we all love. Our houses, all bunched together in one place and damned to stay there until someone burned or blew it up. Destroying, tearing apart nature as it is because we want it to be that way. Did it ever occur to you that nature was that way for a reason? (I'm not accusing you personally, because you most likely had nothing to do with this). But really, isn't a red flag when we start altering the course of life and Earth?

Plus, our plain old laziness. Because we really couldn't deal with working ourselves, we went ahead and killed the atmosphere because we didn't want to work, creativity is fine, but we are just not aware of what we are doing are we? Just like the changing the face of the Earth to our suiting, we also blow black stuff into the air and think it's all fine! Black smoke does not naturally appear into the air. So you think it's not going to do anything? Everything does something. 

In all, we suck. And yes, I accept if I want to live in this world, these things are necessary, and I can't fight it. But I can think it.