Rhymes

Let go of the words, there's no going back. don't try and find reason, because the reason is dead. And when all that you can remember has lost it's meaning, get rid of those memories too, and then you are free. This is not an epiphany this is simply a chant, used to prevent a hopeless rant. This isn't poetry this is a part of me that bleeds. Rhymes just seem to appear, making me nervous about posting here. I could go on forever with this perpetual doubt, others guessing what this is about. But I tell you you're wrong, this could mean anything, fit any situation with the right reasoning. Today is the day that I'm over the hill, after bridges crossed, I have met my will. I used to remember to an overextent, spacing out on the world, didn't know what people meant. Walking down broadway and 158th I reached a point of neither love or hate. Trying to remember how it felt, things that once made my heart and mind melt. Realizing these were my feelings no more, I felt my inner existance begin to soar. For this is the freedom, the start of my new life, seems it's all going by, in about three-week-sized bites.

Publicize

I suddenly feel like I'm spilling everything, every word I write, is revealing every little bit of my feeling. And everyone can see it. Even though no one reads this blog. But even if I mask what I'm saying, and I'm just talking about what's on my mind, the people will see through it and my naked love, dispair, confusion, all these heavy words. I'm not sure if I can mask them anymore. Maybe, I don't want to. But that's not what this blog is about. I'm not here to write about my life, in a direct emotional way. I'm here to put out the more complicated, (theorietically) insightful parts of living. But if all I can say is "I don't understand the way you think" and "I regret this and this" and "I love you" and "I'm confused because I'm 13" etc... - then why am I here? Now, every time I sit down to write a post, I ses straight through it. And since you all know me, and my life, and what I'm doing, you'll figure it out too. Which means, this is like having a one-ended, heart-to-heart that will remain forever on the internet. That's not very wise now is it...

Smile

A smile is your one defense between YOU and THEM. When the world is crashing down, a deep breath and a smile is gonna save you. And nothing else! Hiding makes you disappear, denial makes you stupid, crying makes you look like crap, and then you have the issue of how to stop. Talking may land you saying stuff you really wish you hadn't said, and sitting not doing anything at all is never going to work either.
But I never realized how equally difficult it is to smile through a dead feeling inside. I never realized how much energy and self-pursuasion it takes, to make yourself care about things you don't and say things you wouldn't say, and to artificially pick yourself up, put yourself back on your feet, until you're ready to walk again. Those moments of wandering around, like you've just been born... I WAS just born and I'm ready to deal with the consequences. Breathe deep flower. And smile. Because if you can, then you've created the barrier between... THEM and YOU. A barrier you can see through, but none of them can. Smile. Smile. Smile. It hurts, no? Just smile.

Hundred

I feel like my heart has left me and it's never coming back. This scary darkness like the closing of a book came towards me starting as a dot from the distance, spreading like ink on a page, until everything was black as if I were blind. THen this ghost, of no particular figure or shape, but with a white-sliver hue. This ghost lunged at me, and I was so frightened. I was flying, lost, crying, clinging to every cryptic word that came next, until slowly the white ghost became a solid, and formed white walls, and I was within them. This room proved to be suspended my a chain that went up in space indefinetly. And my four walls began to swing, which held the feeling of fear and that I was still moving, still, without solidity in that space. Yet, the box, gave me this little bit of safety that kept me together. And then life restarted.

This is my 100th blog post (thus the title). WHOO! One hundred rants that I've put up on the internet and that people have actually read! I feel so accomplished.

Valentines

Is young love really as crackpot as we are taught to make it out to be? Or isn't that what we tell the broken hearts on valentine's day and it spread around...

Young love... as in none of us have a diploma in anything? At our age it is said that we shouldn't waste our youth and our time and etc on meaningless relationships that will just end in nothing but disappointment. I strongly disagree with that statement and am now firmly convinced that notion was created specifically for comforting broken 13 year old hearts.

Young love is like everything else in life is a lesson for future use. Why do we go to math? Well... thats not a good example.... why do we learn how to read? Because we use it in later life. Why do lion cubs fight with each other? To practice fighting for the real world. Which is how I look at little relationships that go nowhere and die early. Practice. I bet those lion cubs have a hell of a lot of fun rolling on top of each other! So why is it so awful and stupid we have little love experiments? It prepares us for the world. Obviously fighting your little brother isn't the same as fighting the animal about to eat you... but you get the idea.

Therefore, I deem teenage love-experiments acceptable, understandable and enjoyable.

Happy Valentines Day.

Verse

 I wrote a poem during hall break on Thursday, December 4, 2008. For those of you who know of the current controversy, this has NOTHING to do with that problem. This was just something that suddenly appeared in my head.

Jealousy to die for lies within one's heart

Soaking in the holes of the soul

Settling in for a session of destruction

Poisoning, twisting inside and out

Sucking out happiness where more should be put forth

And killing, ruining, life ended that moment

Sorrow has no expiration date

Feeding off of itself and empty spaces

Empty spaces...

The words once said

"Take it in stride lest you be called jealous,"

One may use as just a moment's long ease

Breath of comfort

Exhaled into the fire

Pray now you may see brighter days

Brighter self to emerge

Freedom from this death

May the spirits grant it to you.