8th grade

The room held an ominous silence.

It was late. Most had gone home.

One day.

Fake money and plastic flowers

Scattered across tile

Where the darkness gave fluorescent lights

a creepiness.

And that finality

Known all too well

When the energy is built up so high

Just to crash

When hours ago

This room was filled with laughter and joyfulness

Gone so suddenly

Almost like dead spirits

Now all that's left

Are half filled racks with suits

And an empty hallway

Where Axe lingers in the air

And props scattered on the ground

The remnants of multiple souls

Or one collaborative soul

Which I now mourn.

Enemy

I met you briefly in a darkened room. There was a crowd of unknown people, an embarrassment, a cake, and tension. Names whirled by and I saw your upturned face, smiling. At the time, all I could remark was yes, you were pretty, but I didn't put much more thought into it. I was focusing on the burning discomfort that I didn't know how to handle. Because I was here for her and I wasn't going to let anything else take me away from feeling the strongest love for her; after all, I had a guilt trip running longer than any jog-a-thon champion. So, in a desperation to not let the sixteen days since I'd been speechless effect me, I chatted with the others, hugged those who were familiar, and let you all wander around in a buzz around me. Because when I saw your face, in the dim light for a second, the last thing I thought was that you would soon become the next target, my next enemy. I didn't realize what was about to happen, what would ineffectually pierce my flesh. Retrospect haunts me now, because I wonder what it would have been like, to know that within a week, you would be a key part in my life attitude.

And

When I was in first grade, my teacher told us to never use the word "and" to begin a sentence. It was bad grammar. Microsoft Word told me this once, too. So when I'm typing for school, or on my blog (because this is the last place I write properly) I try to do it the right way - not start my sentences with "and". But you might have noticed, that I do end up starting my sentences that way, because half way through the post, I get frustrated, having took too long to get my idea out, because I'm trying to do it right. I try to eliminate the "and", or make it into one big sentence, but no matter what, it ends up sounding very wrong. And I think it's unfair! How can you say it's not allowed when it sounds so annoyingly good, and strings phrases together? Of course to compromise, there is the semi-colon but who ever figures out how to use that correctly, and there we have more issues with being grammatically correct. What's so horrific if I start these sentences with "and"? It's a beautiful, helpful word.

Stop

Where did these days go

Lives lost

To pride

And the unknown.

Power wasted

Choices made

Never taken back

Wisdom that I lack.

Words that I reuse

Ad nausium

So you can tell

These are my favorite words

But I don't use them very well

I just sit right here

Every night

And I write

Or I try

To create

Some dispension of hate

So that I don't walk in tomorrow

Ready to scratch someone's eyes out

And so I don't cry on the train

When there's nothing to cry about

And though I'm still stupid

I just don't wanna lose it

When I'm on my way to math

Please no premature ruin

There's no telling when this stops

It stops when my fingers

Stop punching out words

That explain my state of mind

And when the meaning just becomes

Searching for rhymes

I can stop myself there

And stop wasting my time

Stop this, stop that

Stop because I can't go

Go where

There's no place

But your face

That I know

Times feeling upside down again

But I feel tied in

Running into walls

Like an animal pen

And I'm just pacing up and down Columbus Circle

Looking out the glass

At the whole wide world

I wanna stop pacing

Because there's nowhere to go

But if I'm not going anywhere

Then I can't get hurt.

Importance

We walk by people every day, and almost as often, meet new people. New names and identities enter our consciousness, even if only for a second. They are the insignificant people in our lives, acquaintances and strangers, and then there are the main characters, friends, family, lovers, and even teachers I guess. Who present a more prominent and effective role in our lives. But really, every one of the main characters started out as one of the nobodys you passed, and didn't think much about, who you had a one word opinion about and never really looked further. Because there was no reason to look further, because they didn't ever come into contact with you, or anything you did. They existed within one random moment like an extra in a movie. Then, you wake up, and a bunch of those people are close to you now, changing your life and the way you think, taking you in all new directions and becoming important. Who would have thought, when you first glanced at this person, that they would become your best friend, or you best advisor? And this will happen again - people we may know right now, as vaguely associated with some other part of life, may come to have a starring role. Then you'll look back and see how the world can revolve and take us to people, who it would appear, were always meant to be a part of your history. I find this intensely amusing.

Mistakes

Most people will admit to making mistakes in time. It can be what's blamed for the misfortune that comes to you - it's because you made some mistake in your past. Generally, these mistakes mean you did something that you thought was a good idea at the time, but turn out to be things that hurt you, someone else, or just the situation in general. No one would make mistakes if they were able to recognize them at the moment. Mistakes tend to be seen in the past, after you've already seen the damage, and then connect the misfortune to a prior action. The thing is, every action you make, doesn't have just one reflective reaction. One action can cause multiple overlapping reactions for months or years to come. And out of those multiple reactions, there can be the positive and negative ones. Sometimes the positive ones, do more than just cancel out a negative one before it. Mistakes that cause sadness one day, cause more happiness than would have been possible before you made that mistake. So how much of a mistake is it then? Actions that cause damage, but then benefit you as well. Being able to tell what was a mistake and what was actually better in the long run, I think is impossible up until the day your life is over. It depends on the final result which we'll never be able to evaluate.