PMS

I do not want to talk to anyone. You think you have a hilarious story to tell me, but trust me, there is nothing funny about it. You think I'm depressed and need someone to talk to but I really just want you to get the f*** out of my face. No, I don't know why I'm crying. I don't care about what you did today. I'm not going to go do that with you, because I'm sick of you and I don't like you. So do yourself a favor and leave me alone.

I'm angry at everyone but they didn't do anything and there's nothing they can do to fix it. I just want to lay on my bed and cry, and I hate crying. I don't want to read a book, or watch TV, or do anything to try and cheer myself up. Honestly, the only thing I'm up for right now, is an Eminem song and a hot shower.

Or a cold one - cold showers are even better.

Stop

Where did these days go

Lives lost

To pride

And the unknown.

Power wasted

Choices made

Never taken back

Wisdom that I lack.

Words that I reuse

Ad nausium

So you can tell

These are my favorite words

But I don't use them very well

I just sit right here

Every night

And I write

Or I try

To create

Some dispension of hate

So that I don't walk in tomorrow

Ready to scratch someone's eyes out

And so I don't cry on the train

When there's nothing to cry about

And though I'm still stupid

I just don't wanna lose it

When I'm on my way to math

Please no premature ruin

There's no telling when this stops

It stops when my fingers

Stop punching out words

That explain my state of mind

And when the meaning just becomes

Searching for rhymes

I can stop myself there

And stop wasting my time

Stop this, stop that

Stop because I can't go

Go where

There's no place

But your face

That I know

Times feeling upside down again

But I feel tied in

Running into walls

Like an animal pen

And I'm just pacing up and down Columbus Circle

Looking out the glass

At the whole wide world

I wanna stop pacing

Because there's nowhere to go

But if I'm not going anywhere

Then I can't get hurt.

Happy

This is my attempt at writing a post when I'm happy. My hair is flying out of a ponytail, I have one of my favorite outfits on, blasting music, clapping and dancing in a way that no one has ever seen me dance. Ever. I'm talking to people and I'm relishing in the fact that everything went my way today. That just everything about the world looks so perfect and going for me, that I can't even believe it's happening. And the chain of events that are so blissful, send me on a high that has me looking to the sky unable to breathe. Even something that has been known to bring me to my knees crying, is simply invisible at this moment, and I'm convinced it has to do with the sunlight streaming, and the gentle wind. I can't tell you much else about what this feels like, or anything going through my mind, because everything in is a heated whirlwind. So this, relating to my earlier post, is what I'm like when I'm happy. I don't care if the neighbors bother me 'cause the music is on blast, and I'm stomping my feet. What I'll do, is I will go out on that fire escape, and I will shout until they can hear me down in Harlem and up in Inwood cause I am SO DAMN HAPPY.

Fragile

Yall remember this. But I was rereading it, and decided it was the right time to post it here. (originally written December 8, 2009, in math. This was not my assignment.)

______________________________________________________

Run away and hide

Away from world order

Winter known to bring

Worst of luck

Say something wrong

Do something reckless

Leaving winter to blame

Looking to next month

Wishing for next year

If there is no way to return from which you came

In my past I fear

This season of detatchment

Still

Too fragile for winter winds

Could you get lost in winter?

Lose true meaning

Succumb to foggy memories

Only to rise again

And may springtime bring us peace

Fluidity and understanding

But when November clouds taunt -

Too fragile for winter winds.

1/28/2010

Does it hurt less To see by day

And know by night
Nonexistent echoes
Of empty words
What do I see
Power gone
But ego is strong
Wake up one day
and cry
Still Breathing
In and out of dreams
Can't change a thing
Passing days
Just for the sake of
Killing time

Happiness comes in waves

Sunlight has never been so dry

How come

Weather changes so fast in this town

Find I'm constantly

Loosing ground

Heart aches for freedom

More than satisfaction

Every word

Emphisizing hope is dead

Tell me again

Blue fire

Black coal

Don't know where to turn

Let the fire burn

Want

What is it about humanity that wants more when it has everything? Why do we strive for the most difficult goals and dismiss the simply gained ones? When you were seven years old, what did you dream about for your future? And now that you've reached some higher place, now that life is practically perfect - what's wrong? There is always a flaw in the picture, that no matter what else you try to surround it with, there's still that hole isnt there? There's still that thing in your life you would fix if you could, there's still that reason you'll be sad tonight, or tomorrow, or eventually. Living in a cloud of happiness is a lie... and even if you really, really do feel 100% happy, there's a lie to that too. We would not be human if there wasn't some gap to be filled by the mysterious key. Remember me talking about this key? This key is different. This key is EVERYONE'S key, and how are we ever going to find it? My frustration is with one thing, simply: living with the constant distraction of wanting with all your heart, the one thing you cannot have. Why can't other things in life make up for it? Why can't you fill the space with an alternate substance? Why is human desire so specific and impossible to satisfy?

Publicize

I suddenly feel like I'm spilling everything, every word I write, is revealing every little bit of my feeling. And everyone can see it. Even though no one reads this blog. But even if I mask what I'm saying, and I'm just talking about what's on my mind, the people will see through it and my naked love, dispair, confusion, all these heavy words. I'm not sure if I can mask them anymore. Maybe, I don't want to. But that's not what this blog is about. I'm not here to write about my life, in a direct emotional way. I'm here to put out the more complicated, (theorietically) insightful parts of living. But if all I can say is "I don't understand the way you think" and "I regret this and this" and "I love you" and "I'm confused because I'm 13" etc... - then why am I here? Now, every time I sit down to write a post, I ses straight through it. And since you all know me, and my life, and what I'm doing, you'll figure it out too. Which means, this is like having a one-ended, heart-to-heart that will remain forever on the internet. That's not very wise now is it...

Sounds

This post is inspired by a suggestion from Lola

I love the sound of the last drop of water falling into the filled tub, or to the bottom of the shower.
The sound of a perfectly tuned Conga drum when lifted and makes a bass sound
I love hearing car doors slam and the sound of fingernails tapping a windowpane.
I adore the sound of that whoosh, that means that someone has just IMd you for the first time.
The sound of the airconditioner humming along to reggae blasting all summer long.
The sno-cone man's bell from five blocks down.
Sounds of cars on wet pavement early in the morning
High heels on stone
Spanish
The sound of a lock opening successfully
A hollow sound found from a random piece of wood
The slam of a door behind you as you step out into an empty hall
The perfect high-five
A crunchy piece of ice being stepped on

Awesome sounds of the world!

3/23

miracle that I see, or their greatness

or mistake of my own eyes

fortunate am I to such things or rather unforunate

let illusions convince you of the things you wish to see

And screw the hoards

slight sounds

shut up

attention span lacking

distrust flickers strongly

Swing

I wonder what the original purpose of a playground swing was. Even back to hanging from a tree branch. The feeling of swinging must be forever soothing and happy to people. Maybe because it sort of feels like you're flying. That's why I love swinging. You can just sort of go through the air, and be apart from whatever people are trying to put into your head. I close my eyes and think of someone. Then it's cold and dark and alone the wind is cutting through my skin and it feels good, like I'm happy and at home. Or, it's warm, and filled with existance, and the sunlight is soaking into me, but I'm happy and home. Just because of that one swing, and that one person.