Nonspecific

It would suck to wake up one day and find out that some one other than Lola has been reading this blog for the past year. Oh, and Melli and The Wizardress too. It would seriously mess with my life, to find out that I've been screaming all this s***, thinking I was releasing stress into the open air and with those that I love. I'm not even entirely sure how I'd react if that happened, I guess it would depend who. I just have this horrible feeling that some one's been checking up on my emotional state and I have no clue about it. That's what I get for putting this on the Internet! But since when is paranoia a new thing for me? Shoot, I just missed 11:11. I wish on every 11:11, just so you know. It's one of those things I believe in. Sorta. Kinda. Hey! So this is actually how I think, and talk, when I'm not being all official on my blog. My blog is just about the last place where I use correct spelling and grammar and etc. And I also usually use big words and concepts, which are actually what I think about... it just sounds really official? I guess? I can't come up with the right word...

So. Now that I'm almost done with this post, I need to give it a title. It's kind of random. But that's not the right word for it. Thank Spirit for thesaurus. Nonspecific. This post is nonspecific. But I find it so interesting that I'm not making a big deal about the future, the past, regret, love or adolescence, that I'm actually going to publish this!

Drown

There are those things in your mind that sometimes you would prefer to be a guest, and not a resident. There are some thoughts, some memories that are better seen every once and a while, and then can be shoved out the door. Or maybe they can just be exiled forever to live in some remote corner of the intellectual universe where they don't have to be leeches to my mind. Some things are just not meant to dwell here in my head, because they are too powerful to allow the rest of my brain operate in the way in which it needs to. So this is about those thoughts.
If I don't get rid of them, I'll never write again. I'll never read another story that doesn't trail off into some daydream, I'll never live a day without the fun being interrupted by a random daily event that triggers a flashback. And in the last two weeks, I've learned to stop these flashbacks, let them play and then shake myself out of it before I fall too deep. Before people realize exactly what I'm doing and it's a bad thing. Living off of memories is sick. I don't live off of them either; the plague me. I want to live life where I can fall asleep every night without random disturbances, where Jamba Juice cups, wet gravel, snow and car alarms, are not haunted by the same idea forever. I will drown these memories forever. I will write them down, every detail that my mind can imagine, down to the very temperature, slightest brush of air, every immaculate movement. All the tiny memories that rule my life, will all be written down on papers, until there are no more left. Then I will drown them. Whichever body of water I can, even if it's a street puddle, even if it's the bathroom sink. I will soak these memories into the water and watch the ink and paper crumble, and then I will be free. If they are all said and all gone, then like getting rid of the lip gloss that tasted so good, all evidence of the story will be gone and liberation will have come.

Camp

Now I'm going to do what people normally do on their blogs: talk about life.

I guess it's everything I've been doing at my camp, that makes me not think. No social epiphanies, no broken hearts, just russian ballet training. I mean, with the different cliques inside the studio, there are people to talk to and to stimulate your mind. But not quite as hellish as junior high school; I'm also too tired to blog when I get home.

Regardless, I love camp. I love the fact that all I have to do is go and take class, and 85% of the time, class is fun. It's especially fun because there is no stress for shows, and its SUMMERTIME so everyone is happy. I get to see my camp friends. Even though it's a day camp and not a sleepaway like most people, I still have a whole separate group of close friends for the summer. Every summer, we spend four weeks doing everything together, in my little group of four. It's great to reconnect with them, and to remember how much we love each other. It's miraculous, and carefree, to just run around with them all day and not really worry about the world outside of pointe shoes.

So maybe I will have an epiphany later.

Writing

Due to the twenty-first century, the ballet world and more, I never have time to sit down and write. Even now, I'm making this entry while running around doing things, doing the dishes, making my bed...

But I still end up writing in my head. While there is never time for me to sit comfortably at a computer or with a notebook and write, there is always time when  I am somewhere away from home, unable to write, but still wasting time. First: math. Math class is a HUGE waste of time, so I do some mental writing in there. Sometimes I put down some ideas, others are formulated in my head. Like in rehearsal. Another time when I could be doing about a billion more useful things. So I make my story outlines then. From character to character moving along in the story, so I have an idea of what the story is going to be like. On the subway, instead of staring out into space at Dr. Zizmore's rainbow ads, I contemplate the conflict of the story, and maybe start writing the actual text in my head. Then, once I have a bit of that that I like, I repeat it and reformat it, until I have the writing memorized. I do this when falling asleep as well. By writing in my head as I fall asleep, I am helping myself fall asleep faster by making my brain tired from formulating characters, plots and dialogue. I am also using time to my advantage. And now, I must go shower. 

Notebook

Little comments I wrote in my book last term. Maybe this is why I can't do math...

"It's funni how those we think we fear are nothing more than reflections of ourselves and our reflections fear us as well." -1/5/2009

"I'm so glad because once again,you can see our monster coming to life our lovely monster is back I love it... Everytime our monster comes, I pray one day it will be a monster no more."1/9/2009

 "Wonderful discovery and notions of the moment are new, yet obvious and ever lasting.

Imagine where we'll stand tomorrow, what we will think of today's thoughts, the obvious, new and brilliant, shall be dimmed old and stupid." - 1/15/2009

"Why is the light shining? I've made no discovery!" - 1/16/2009

"Look at me then, look at me now, not much has changed. lost love struggle for recognition, not much has changed. Composition book, scribbles in margins, not much has changed." 1/23/2009

"No lies  nor truth shall become from this, no prospects nor success. If this is something it is a hidden something and once revealed it shall become nothing, aside for the theory that a negative plus a negative equals a positive, in which case I might be lucky." 1/23/2009

"and where did I have such luck and good fortune? where, when and why? Is it because I was reckless, or I was over-cautions, or is it simply the way of the world? Cruel world if so." 1/23/2009

"Stupid stupid mess I've made I destroy everything put in my hands. Why not give up, look away if after all these years, chances are gone... I don't want it gone. I don't want to screw up I want to be truthful thought can there be a compromise can you convince of meaning your opinion is not valid for all... that's why it's an opinion - 2/4/2009

"Mysteries seen through a foggy doorway. A smile called from long ago long ago this smile lived now he just fools the world." - 2/6/2009

"Maybe its helping me to not know or understand exactly. New light and opportunity growth occurs I cannot apply the old information to the new situation because the old information is ever changing. One cannot assume too much. Now that the times are ever changing, there is loss and gain. Strategy being ever-important one mistake is fatal. There are always mistakes. What part of my life will die?" 2/24/2009

"often I find that you shift in and out of safety and wellness and before you rise, you must fall to the moment of death, and then something in the goodness of existence may spare you. But remains with you is the terror of the night before when you believed all was lost. The yearning and promise to work for the chance and work if the chance is given now with the chance just barely here I still have the earnest to live up to what I have - something so rare in me." - 2/26/2009 "And what if I make or have already made one horrible mistake before spring has even begun? Shall I waste away all spring in the nunnery?"

"feeling stupid and helpless cant go anywhere in this press and I'm not sure where it came from. It is unknown to me if any efforts are a step forward or if I am just dancing in place." 2.27.2009