Notebook

Little comments I wrote in my book last term. Maybe this is why I can't do math...

"It's funni how those we think we fear are nothing more than reflections of ourselves and our reflections fear us as well." -1/5/2009

"I'm so glad because once again,you can see our monster coming to life our lovely monster is back I love it... Everytime our monster comes, I pray one day it will be a monster no more."1/9/2009

 "Wonderful discovery and notions of the moment are new, yet obvious and ever lasting.

Imagine where we'll stand tomorrow, what we will think of today's thoughts, the obvious, new and brilliant, shall be dimmed old and stupid." - 1/15/2009

"Why is the light shining? I've made no discovery!" - 1/16/2009

"Look at me then, look at me now, not much has changed. lost love struggle for recognition, not much has changed. Composition book, scribbles in margins, not much has changed." 1/23/2009

"No lies  nor truth shall become from this, no prospects nor success. If this is something it is a hidden something and once revealed it shall become nothing, aside for the theory that a negative plus a negative equals a positive, in which case I might be lucky." 1/23/2009

"and where did I have such luck and good fortune? where, when and why? Is it because I was reckless, or I was over-cautions, or is it simply the way of the world? Cruel world if so." 1/23/2009

"Stupid stupid mess I've made I destroy everything put in my hands. Why not give up, look away if after all these years, chances are gone... I don't want it gone. I don't want to screw up I want to be truthful thought can there be a compromise can you convince of meaning your opinion is not valid for all... that's why it's an opinion - 2/4/2009

"Mysteries seen through a foggy doorway. A smile called from long ago long ago this smile lived now he just fools the world." - 2/6/2009

"Maybe its helping me to not know or understand exactly. New light and opportunity growth occurs I cannot apply the old information to the new situation because the old information is ever changing. One cannot assume too much. Now that the times are ever changing, there is loss and gain. Strategy being ever-important one mistake is fatal. There are always mistakes. What part of my life will die?" 2/24/2009

"often I find that you shift in and out of safety and wellness and before you rise, you must fall to the moment of death, and then something in the goodness of existence may spare you. But remains with you is the terror of the night before when you believed all was lost. The yearning and promise to work for the chance and work if the chance is given now with the chance just barely here I still have the earnest to live up to what I have - something so rare in me." - 2/26/2009 "And what if I make or have already made one horrible mistake before spring has even begun? Shall I waste away all spring in the nunnery?"

"feeling stupid and helpless cant go anywhere in this press and I'm not sure where it came from. It is unknown to me if any efforts are a step forward or if I am just dancing in place." 2.27.2009

Home

At the end of South Pinehurst, hip hop and merengue blast from a car, and a group of teenagers sit in lawn chairs in the street. A volleyball net is surrounded by people, loading soda cans into a cooler. Three frisbees fly, two footballs and a game of baseball in the center of the field. There are children shouting to each other in spanish as they climb tree after tree, and dogs barking and playing on the grass. The sun shines down all around and warm, but the cool grass soothes the skin. Bikes roll down the hills, out of the park and into traffic and boys whistle. Behind the rocks, a barbecue is set up and is smoking out the area beautifully. By seven-thirty, the sky is orange over the bridge. Thank goddess I'm home.

Gray

In a world that is one or none, you will find some small gray areas. No more than a millimeter wide, but still a gap to fall into. Accept no invitation uncertainly or halfway, lest you find yourself in the little gray areas. In that world, but not, in neither place. The gray area. Your friends are not there to protect you now, nor are the others willing to step out of the crowd to save the drowning lion cub. That baby lion set out to sure from home, may never return, or reach the other shore. That baby lion is in the gray area of the world, in great danger. Doomed to have the black and white sides of the earth cave in on him. In a harsh world of acceptance, do not be caught in the gray areas. Do not play with options and answers or dawdle, over-considering. The gray areas... not a very nice place.

Minds

Sometimes we are higher up than we imagine, and it is only the psychological power that restricts us from going higher, or keeps us moving upward. For all the minds in the world to surround us, they are yet one brain at a time, and most of them focused on themselves. So maybe it might benefit one to stop worrying so much about the other ones, and to take care of themselves. Only your own mind can affect you, but your mind can be affected if you let it. Saying this, you could protect your mind by not letting it be touched by the fear it has. Drive out the fear concerning others, and then you might be safe from deterioration. Or I might.

Beheading

I plead with you that this is not my own doing, but a mixture of all the badness in the world that happened upon me. It is probable that I have made it not easier in many different fashions I'd prefer not to state here. But such is the way of the living person, and so I accept it with grace. The events that have corrupted all may not be seen clearly, save for this moment. The death wishes and conspiracies have been hidden from all, risen above all, or killed before all. Please note I am not an exception as my death comes closer with every breath. How exactly do you propose I accomplish such a thing, is what I asked, and never an answer was given. Thrown out into the sea like many before me to fare with whatever came and failing to survive that, killed by the master. What other options were put before me? None but my own death. It is with this conviction of mine that I reach the only ending I should have ever faced: the block. The only thing making it greater is the fact I have had what I've had, lost what I've lost and faced all that I've faced making me a better person upon the whole... please O save my soul....

*silence*.

iMovie

Normally I say something smart here, but now I'm just really excited. It's spring break, which means that my brother and I are at home, with each other, and Esmeralda, which means an excess of fun time to be stupid. Thus, we have brought back an old game: make a mini movie of him and me behaving insanely and making fun of ________, just so we can laugh our heads off. It's quite fun. My brother is eight. So the movie has continued, and I'm finally figuring out iMovie just enough to have a good piece coming together and some hilarious mistakes with voice overs. This is so fun!!!

Sad

Sad to be left out of the world I always dreamed of, but should really never be in. Sad to not understand how it all works while everyone else does. Sad to have to admit all this. Sad to ignore what I could have had, loose what I had, and now miss what I can't. Sad to be overreached by those who came after you. Sad to loose a name that you once held uniquely. Sad to have no control over anything that goes on because I am trapped. Sad to know exactly how to break out of the prison but not have the guts to do so. Sad to be sad to be sad to be sad. Sad because despite all my efforts one cannot erase a year. Sad because minds cannot be changed once set. Sad because no one can understand what I mean by the snakes. Sad because I refuse to be happy with what has happened because I refuse to let go of the dream. Sad because why the hell do I care about them? Sad because I've been tricked into doing so. Sad. Sad. 

Happy Spring Break.

Seasonal

Looks like the wizardress of dreams sorta beat me to the first concept of seasonal feelings, but I am here to make it more personal. Emotions and goals and everything, are all controlled by these seasons. When it's been bitter cold for weeks and weeks, and nothing is going on, I want to be inside, working, or say, becoming a ballerina.  When it's warm and beautiful outside and the days last forever in the sunlight and everyone is playing, I want to be out there playing in the sunshine, letting it be absorbed into my skin - not becoming a ballerina. See, the thing is, it's not fair. Swayed so much by the seasons to my moods, I can never do anything year round. But nothing was meant to stay the same. Look! We have seasons. If something as simple as the temperature cannot stay the same all the time, then how do you expect human minds to?

Beauty

Beauty is the man at the downtown track at the station, playing steel drums. Beauty is the eleven year old playing with her friends and the thirteen year old talking to her boyfriend. Beauty is the thunderstorms that erupt on summer afternoons, and beauty is the warm dry house to escape to and wonder. Beauty is the inside joke shared between two, beauty is the inside joke shared between six. Beauty is the secret plan whispered in the cold. Beauty is coming out of the train at 7 PM, and the sun is just setting. Beauty is fog over the bridge at nine. These things are beautiful not because they have a material appearance that is pleasing to the eye, but because they have a meaning and feeling that is true of life, and that is beautiful.