Numb

The feeling is numb. The feeling where feeling is lost. Having so many thoughts waiting to be processed, but having the inability to do such is drowning. And I can't breathe because I don't want to hurt. How backwards would it be to say I was happier before? This severely disrupted the healing process, and I swore I wouldn't regret it. Now I am sitting, waiting for the air to come through my lungs, for the smile to come to my face and for the goosebumps to come when I realize that it's time to make the decision. Who knew that saying what was in your head could be so difficult? Especially when what is in your mind is contradictory to what it's supposed to be. To tell the truth, I'm being harshly contemplative and on the edge of disorder because... because I'm afraid. I hate putting part of me outside of myself - it's too dangerous. While I know what's coming, I don't want to wait for it. I don't even have to. Because they are already living, they were living hours ago when they were being born in the darkness. But what is It? It is mistakes, It is disappointment, It is knowledge, It is silence, acceptance, It is... It is embracing the end. It is wanting a cleaner definition so that this messy scar doesn't have to sit all night. If nothing went wrong, then why do I feel so sick already? I can feel it in my bones, and last time I felt it, I was right. I. was. dead. right. But as always, I will go to sleep tonight, and wake up tomorrow morning and truth will not have escaped my grasp. There is nothing worse than waking up in the morning feeling like the day has already been ruined, I promise you. Have a good one.

Questions

Now, there are some questions I would like to suggest, but not for me, just for the general air.

1) How many mistakes do we have to make to earn the credits to do something right?

2) Why is it always you? (the general you)

3) How did a snail make it for a year away from its habitat and on the other side of the country?

4) Why can't we think of what we need to say when we need to say it, but spend years writing the script beforehand?

5) Why are the simplest things the hardest to say?

6) Why do we stare at a green light imagining all the things that could go wrong, until you wake up and everyone knows?

7) Why is it that when they're fearless they get everything, and when I'm fearless I fail?

8) And why does space make things difficult?

9) Why am I stuck here?

10) And what are they all saying?