Numb

The feeling is numb. The feeling where feeling is lost. Having so many thoughts waiting to be processed, but having the inability to do such is drowning. And I can't breathe because I don't want to hurt. How backwards would it be to say I was happier before? This severely disrupted the healing process, and I swore I wouldn't regret it. Now I am sitting, waiting for the air to come through my lungs, for the smile to come to my face and for the goosebumps to come when I realize that it's time to make the decision. Who knew that saying what was in your head could be so difficult? Especially when what is in your mind is contradictory to what it's supposed to be. To tell the truth, I'm being harshly contemplative and on the edge of disorder because... because I'm afraid. I hate putting part of me outside of myself - it's too dangerous. While I know what's coming, I don't want to wait for it. I don't even have to. Because they are already living, they were living hours ago when they were being born in the darkness. But what is It? It is mistakes, It is disappointment, It is knowledge, It is silence, acceptance, It is... It is embracing the end. It is wanting a cleaner definition so that this messy scar doesn't have to sit all night. If nothing went wrong, then why do I feel so sick already? I can feel it in my bones, and last time I felt it, I was right. I. was. dead. right. But as always, I will go to sleep tonight, and wake up tomorrow morning and truth will not have escaped my grasp. There is nothing worse than waking up in the morning feeling like the day has already been ruined, I promise you. Have a good one.

Summer

So now it is summer and all my friends (or at least most of them) are exploring the world, off at camp, or in the next 1-2 weeks will be doing either of those things. I however, while I will be doing things, will have complete access to my laptop, internet and blog, and thus will be able to confuse the people who click on my link. But as the number of people reading will be the sad number of zero, I think my summer posting is going to slow down. I will continue to post however, just less frequently. Like once a week. Instead of twice or thrice. So if, amongst your travels and revels in the summertime, you find a moment when you'd like to hear a preteen try to make her mind make sense and complain about the world, i WILL have somethings new going up here.

Enjoy the summer.