End

This is the end... of my time writing here.

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I refuse

To be subject to the forces of habit

To be pulled back in like the tide

To give up like some weak-willed wuss

Or to be bullied into saying what I should say

Because regardless of what vocabulary I have

What I choose to say is what is going on in my head

And when I say it

It means

Who I am.

And sometimes you need that period

At the end of a sentence

For finality

Because sometimes leaving it too open ended

Leaves too much room for misinterpretation

This is something that needs to be understood clearly:

.

I've felt every way possible about this

There's not an option I haven't tested

Not a rocket I haven't seen come crashing down

But still nothing to show for it

Not much has changed and I wish it would

Ten months ago I was wishing myself out of a rut

Now I'm in it

A new one

And I want out again

So I can discover a new rut

To get caught in

Lost in

Forgotten

And re-found

Not just a rebound

Feeling like I should reread this

To see how it sounds

Feeling awkward 'cause somethings rhyme

And others just plain don't

As if looking over what I've already touched on

Was gonna help me discover what my next subject is

Sometimes you gotta ignore where you've been

And accept you're going someplace entirely different

So I dare myself to shut it out

And just say whatever non-related bull that comes forth

And I dare myself to cope with a mix

Of the old

And the new

Because it is the cowards who try to define

Spaces of time

And box people into them too

And box emotions

And memories

Commitments

Am I capable of letting this happen?

I'm ashamed of my reoccurring patterns

Like I said

I've tried everything

The worst part is the dependency

Which I'm showing right now

This horrible display of dysfunctionality

Apparently that's not a word

It should be.

That is me.

RESTART

February

For some reason, this never made it up when it was written - May 6, 2010. Felt like sharing:

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February was the last of the good old days

Before everyone went and changed their ways

I can't believe we have slipped into this phase

What happened to our innocent lunchtimes at Ray's?

Seems that sex has gotten everyone crazed

Taking full advantage of the world that we made

But it's not just a gain

Apparently it's a trade

Because in exchange

We are losing things

And which one is better?

It's hard to say

I'm just looking up at quotes

From last February

I'm feeling nostolgic

Cuz though times are great

I also have time to appreciate

When the weather was cold

There were sweet couples

We had principles

Not just hooking up with people

There was hope and chance

Actual romance

And comparitively things were so relaxed

Or maybe I'm just mourning lost time

And judging motives

Since I have lost mine.

Conditioner

The commencement of the season

Marked by a sound

Humming

Heavy-breathing

Brushing.

Like the gentle shushing

Of a reclusive peacemaker

Brought to subdue

The clatter.

Sitting in the back

Patiently

Watching as the party streams in

With another day to conclude

Absorbing the traces

Of sunlight on their skin

Replaced with folds of coolness

Seamlessly

As a slow breath

In

Out

And disappears

From the atmosphere

The smell of late afternoon -

A smell

Like fresh copy paper

Is introduced into the evening

Summer is not present

Until the nights are narrated

By the variant whispers

From the corner

Welcoming

Into a room made

an oasis

By the leader

Of the orchestra

Of these days.

Unsafety

A sense of unsafety

My own words on the attack

After a virtual sigh

Virtual silence.

These minds are screaming you see

Screaming in non verbal ways

These minds are wondering

Misunderstanding

As of that moment I was standing in space

Caught enegry dancing

But don't say a word

Cuz you say one more thing

And the energy explodes

Gone from it's encasement

Like three satisfying words

Suffocating in every way

A misty whirlwind in the middle of nowhere

And no where left to go

No more breathing now

Cling to every word

Until the storm abruptly stops

With one final message

Our ghost

2/23/10

Like most of the stuff I post nowadays, I wrote this during Science.

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Some days the words come out easy

Other days a look is like a scream

Some days call for death

Same days to forget

Filled with regret

Nothing left

And yet

Every day begins

As if there was something worth living

For

Every word I write summons more

Used to say rhymes limit

Now they are a blanket

Avoiding the word "I"

Avoid having to cry

Sitting under a tree in the rain

Why can't we all remain

Asking if everything must change

And they don't hear these words

Trying to drown them

Live without them

Is it so impossible to rise

Create a compromise

Between

Time and me

Hate and Hate

With no debate

What's dead is dead

What you see is what you get

But not forever

Wall

Like staring at the outside wall

Of my own world

Last time I was here I was inside

Now staring at red-brown bricks

I hear the sounds of the club from within

The bass like a heartbeat

Drums are like a voice

Heard faintly

Whispering

A reversed setting to dwell upon

An awkward vacant room

But that story is beyond us now

Winter draws to an end

Didn't want to see time go

Tried to stop from

Slipping away

Slowly I allow nature to take it's course

Promise I'll forget one day

Future

Pain is a barrier

preventing motion towards your future.

Happiness stimulates

progress towards the future.

Memories exist

to allow the future to be the future

and not a repetition of the past.

Fragile

Yall remember this. But I was rereading it, and decided it was the right time to post it here. (originally written December 8, 2009, in math. This was not my assignment.)

______________________________________________________

Run away and hide

Away from world order

Winter known to bring

Worst of luck

Say something wrong

Do something reckless

Leaving winter to blame

Looking to next month

Wishing for next year

If there is no way to return from which you came

In my past I fear

This season of detatchment

Still

Too fragile for winter winds

Could you get lost in winter?

Lose true meaning

Succumb to foggy memories

Only to rise again

And may springtime bring us peace

Fluidity and understanding

But when November clouds taunt -

Too fragile for winter winds.

1/28/2010

Does it hurt less To see by day

And know by night
Nonexistent echoes
Of empty words
What do I see
Power gone
But ego is strong
Wake up one day
and cry
Still Breathing
In and out of dreams
Can't change a thing
Passing days
Just for the sake of
Killing time

Happiness comes in waves

Sunlight has never been so dry

How come

Weather changes so fast in this town

Find I'm constantly

Loosing ground

Heart aches for freedom

More than satisfaction

Every word

Emphisizing hope is dead

Tell me again

Blue fire

Black coal

Don't know where to turn

Let the fire burn

You

You make me cry.

When I just think about your existance

When I hear your words and

know that you're alive.

You confuse me.

You make me angry

And I will hate you,

until I realize,

I have no reason to.

Cuz

You make me happy.

I'll float

You'll see

I'll hide if I can

But you know I can't.

You make the air cold.

I'm loosing it right now

Don't want another winter

Without....

3/23

miracle that I see, or their greatness

or mistake of my own eyes

fortunate am I to such things or rather unforunate

let illusions convince you of the things you wish to see

And screw the hoards

slight sounds

shut up

attention span lacking

distrust flickers strongly

Fluff

I want to throw daggers into your soul

And be the one there to console

I want to tear you apart

Let you into my heart

Does it make much sense? 

Oh it makes so much sense!

I want you as dead and alive as I am

I do and don't want a boyfriend

I want to soak in the pools of silly love

Are you enough?

I want a sense of reality

But that touch that sets one free

I'll hate you today

Beg you look at me

Does it make much sense?

Oh it makes so much sense!

I want you as dead and alive as I am

I do and don't want a boyfriend

I want to soak in the pools of silly love

Are you enough?

There are no more words for this

 Years and dynamics have left me speechless

I was so afraid

So it had to be this way

I want you as dead and alive as I am

I do and don't want a boyfriend

I want so soak in the pools of silly love

Are you enough?

So I'll keep hating you

Cuz I'll be loving you

I guess thats it....

Verse

 I wrote a poem during hall break on Thursday, December 4, 2008. For those of you who know of the current controversy, this has NOTHING to do with that problem. This was just something that suddenly appeared in my head.

Jealousy to die for lies within one's heart

Soaking in the holes of the soul

Settling in for a session of destruction

Poisoning, twisting inside and out

Sucking out happiness where more should be put forth

And killing, ruining, life ended that moment

Sorrow has no expiration date

Feeding off of itself and empty spaces

Empty spaces...

The words once said

"Take it in stride lest you be called jealous,"

One may use as just a moment's long ease

Breath of comfort

Exhaled into the fire

Pray now you may see brighter days

Brighter self to emerge

Freedom from this death

May the spirits grant it to you.