February

For some reason, this never made it up when it was written - May 6, 2010. Felt like sharing:

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February was the last of the good old days

Before everyone went and changed their ways

I can't believe we have slipped into this phase

What happened to our innocent lunchtimes at Ray's?

Seems that sex has gotten everyone crazed

Taking full advantage of the world that we made

But it's not just a gain

Apparently it's a trade

Because in exchange

We are losing things

And which one is better?

It's hard to say

I'm just looking up at quotes

From last February

I'm feeling nostolgic

Cuz though times are great

I also have time to appreciate

When the weather was cold

There were sweet couples

We had principles

Not just hooking up with people

There was hope and chance

Actual romance

And comparitively things were so relaxed

Or maybe I'm just mourning lost time

And judging motives

Since I have lost mine.

2am

When the world falls alseep, why am I still sitting here expecting confetti to burst up over my computer screen? Why do I check my silent cell phone? If I've been caught up in a tornado all night, is this just me suffering from the shock of the end of the wind? Or maybe it's just pure insomnia, or abuse of caffiene. Nevertheless, here I sit, watching night breathe on. Love songs play from YouTube, with no meaning other than the soft tune they put into the room.

As I stare at green digital numbers, I can feel time dripping down on me, and I start to feel layers disappear. Tonight is not just tonight - it's every night I've been awake in the middle of the morning, wondering if I'm about to fall out, or if I'll see the sunrise this time. Everytime I've been worried, or blissful, overly contemplative or scared. Any time I have held this vigil, 2am on Fort Washington Avenue. I start to realize I'm staring at the same pencil-smudged plaster and paint I stared at years ago, and signed my name and pledges of love. Written like prisioners' wall carvings to prove that I was once there, in a different form. Of all the things that have changed, I still find myself in the same room, awake, absorbing night's gravity.

And then when the sunrises the purity of the dawn will shine off of urban windows and in faint ways around red and brown bricks. And I will feel every morning I've ever lived, the cold ones and the warm ones. I will feel the simultanious dread and wonder that I'm alive again and there is another day to live where there will be life on earth. Dawn is the best time to determine your character, as light baptizes you. There's a certain signifigance of seeing the first moments of morning - there's a reason you're catching that moment; it doesn't tend to be coincidental, and even if you think so, I suggest you think twice.

Jump

I don't want you to get caught up in my mistakes. See, I feel like I'm about to jump off a cliff, and there's fog ahead of me, and I know how risky this is, 'cause I don't know what I'm jumping towards exactly. But I don't wanna stay waiting on that edge, because I'm bored of it! I'm so ready to just jump... and I'm waiting for myself to go... but I stay rooted in where I am nonetheless. And now this metaphor has gone beyond my control 'cause I have too many things on my mind to keep track of who is the cliff and who is the fog and why i can't jump.

I have to admit that before there is safety there is always the risk, but why am I so reluctant to take it now? Every time we speak I know this is what I want to be jumping to, but I can only hope that it's right. I've waited for the sake of morality, I've taken it slowly for the sake of evaluation. Now I have to see that the right thing for me would be to start learning how to drown again, rather than let the lake dry up.

Trust

You gotta trust SOMEONE in life. Everyone is human, everyone has their own personal motives and everyone is gonna lie. But there has to be at least one person, that you take the risk with. The risk in believeing that human harshness will be set aside, for the quality that makes us remotely functional as a soceity of animals. The quality that makes us want to look out for each other, and care about each others' well being. To believe in that quality in other people, is to trust them. Because the only time you would ever need someone else's trust, is in the protection of your own feelings, future, or material objects. Trust is either entirely emotional or forced by a feeling of morality. At that point, the person is taking care of you because of some feeling of debt to themselves or the world, and based on their own beliefs. Most people are not like this however.

Trust is a necissary part of survival. People like to trust in other people, but there tends to be a lot of wariness. There is no way to determine for sure what's going to happen. You can look at statistics of whether this person has been reported to be trustworthy, but you never know for sure - humans are unpredictable. But if you don't trust SOMEONE, you can never create relationships, and you will end up carrying a lot of weight and secrets on your own, which never ends well.

Know

Doesn't it suck to know something and not be able to mention it? I guess that kind of sounds like a secret, so maybe this should be called "Secret". But it's not a secret! It's just knowing. Knowing something I wasn't supposed to know, because I found out and I saw things and someone gave me a clue...

Sharing knowledge is so exciting! It gives you a sense of power to know things that others don't or for example, to know things that people don't think you know. The feeling of trading stories and information is just something natureally loved by humans - I guess that's gossip. Maybe this post should be called "Gossip".

But that's not what I'm talking about either! Gossip is when multiple people discuss multiple things, and this is one thing, kept from one person. Moi.

I don't really care about not knowing - there's a lot of stuff I don't know but I end up knowing in the end. The people who kept it from me really had no business telling me, and it doesn't change anything. But it's so interesting, I would just love to share it with you.

But I'm not supposed to know.

PMS

I do not want to talk to anyone. You think you have a hilarious story to tell me, but trust me, there is nothing funny about it. You think I'm depressed and need someone to talk to but I really just want you to get the f*** out of my face. No, I don't know why I'm crying. I don't care about what you did today. I'm not going to go do that with you, because I'm sick of you and I don't like you. So do yourself a favor and leave me alone.

I'm angry at everyone but they didn't do anything and there's nothing they can do to fix it. I just want to lay on my bed and cry, and I hate crying. I don't want to read a book, or watch TV, or do anything to try and cheer myself up. Honestly, the only thing I'm up for right now, is an Eminem song and a hot shower.

Or a cold one - cold showers are even better.